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Parenting and up-bringing techniques

By Sqd Ldr Surya Mohan Dubey | PUBLISHED: 07, Jul 2011, 12:01 pm IST | UPDATED: 10, Sep 2011, 16:33 pm IST

Parenting and up-bringing techniques

Parenting is very significant phase of life. The high skill of this important role can bring laurels, may be a boon, may make some one the powerful person of the world or on reverse it may create devils, hard core criminal or the highest terrorist of the world. Good or bad parenting does not only makes its impact directly on children, but on the other hands it also leaves its side affects on entire family, society and even at higher levels of national and international platforms. Parenting is that ultimate strong force which shapes children to be tomorrow’s nation builders. Parents are those first institutions who sow basic seeds of the fruits they expect to enjoy when they (parents) grow old.

“Charity begins at home”. Love and affection, chemistry equations, adjusting traits, leadership qualities and many more characters start getting set in the children from very beginning itself. It is, therefore, utmost essential for every parent to understand its dimensional importance, duties, and responsibilities. Before they make their children any thing, they should firstly make them a good human being. The circumference of this element does not restrict their role within the four walls of house, rather its area of responsibilities cover entire universe.

In the ancient period, the specialty of this skill used to travel miles establishing its identity. Parents are first mentors, teachers, markers, directors, sculptors, architects and many more. The area of responsibilities gets enhanced based on their goals, visions, perceptions and ideals they set in their minds. As mother is known for most sacred source of giving birth to human race, the parents give birth to civilization, characters and supposed to prove themselves as role models. The importance of parenting keeps on taking its leaps along with the growth, with passage of modernization and has much higher roles to play in scientific era.Its necessitated importance can not be limited into words and thoughts. Its importance takes many folds on its deeds.

In modern era with growing necessity of money, criminal and even some times known close one causes security risks to children. For ransom, for taking revenge and with many more dishonest objectives they hijack children. If parents happen to be lucky most are able to meet their requirement, they will return them safe otherwise they would not hesitate to even brutally kill them. Therefore, their (children's) security from all such evils is paramount important and should be taken care at every stage and level.

Before any parent steps into the responsibilities of parenting, up-bringing or guiding children, the parents themselves should be very clear in their goal, as to what they want to achieve. They should know what do they want their children to do or what would they like to make them when they grow? Parents should carefully decide that what kind of customs, traditions and cultural values they want to see in them (children) growing with? The Dos and don’t. They should ensure that they themselves have religiously adhered to those things which they want their children to adopt. Otherwise they (parent) would not have moral courage to ask their own children not to do those things which they do or are doing.

For example if they (parents) smoke, how forcefully or morally can they ask their children not to smoke or if they themselves tell lie every now and then, then how far their advice on their children will have impact for not telling lie. The parents have to first make their own image clean in own children’s mind and also behave so in letter and spirit. Once parent’s good image is formed in their children’s mind then they would start following their (parents) each and every direction sincerely, religiously and with faith, blindly. This is most inevitable requirement parent should meet it positively. So we must make sure to firstly possess those qualities, disciplines and qualifications ourselves that we want our children to inherit and to follow them religiously.

The most important character of our parenting has been that we were dead against beating children for any reason. To tackle, we thought of creating such psychological pressure and environment that would leave its impact by itself and would suffice to understand our message. This technique for us has been of practical importance and proved to be a successful tool. We can proudly say that our children have never tasted the effect of parents” slap throughout our lives. We profess for such technique to be followed by one and all but to do this one (parents) has to be first self controlled, cool and disciplined.

Self discipline, generosity, sobriety and relative degree of respects for every one have been our family’s status symbol. Free, frank and fearless atmosphere was another parallel gift in our home. Discipline and freedom of speech are two opposite sides and quite difficult to maintain balance between both. But, yes, with set decorum, it is quite manageable and better result oriented exercise.

We were also parents of three small children. Having known importance of parenting, we both tried our best to show our children fast developing world through our eyes. Initial phase of their growing is very, very important to formulate good habits. We were very well aware that children do pick-up any thing they see their parents doing. Parents in routine, without knowing or unmindful do leave many unwarranted gestures, words for children to pick-up. But they get shocked when those gestures and words are being used by their children and question as to who could have taught them.

We were, therefore, very, very cautious on all these issues. We were firm that children are never to be pampered. Parents should never keep mum on any wrong done by them or watch as silent spectator or to reform them at home or later. Then and there, they should be checked out, stopped and if surrounding conditions permit to be corrected in a decent way, and in the manners and ways to which children understand better. In case, correcting at the same time is not feasible owing to unavoidable situation, they must be immediately corrected at the earliest possible opportunity.

Though lots of literature are available on the subject, but we would like to share our practical experience and all those tricks adapted by us on our children. During their initial stage we used to create conducive environment which were useful in making them to understand the principles of speaking truth, sharing, adjustment or so called chemistry matching. No fighting for any thing only sober behavior, good code of conducts. Teaching through citing examples and learning by games were our major techniques. To help them learn them with interest, we used to think of qualities we wanted to induce in them and design games accordingly. We used to buy only one balloon among three children instead of one to each. It was with the purpose to induce socializing traits.

The game used to be to ensure long lasting of that balloon by playing in team. The time was recorded each time. The next game used to ensure enhanced endurance of lasting balloon than last time. Not that we could not afford three balloons, each for every one to play. Organizing such game was leading them to learn so many good qualities like team spirit, leadership, co-existence, concern for others, tolerance, sacrifice, honesty, no foul play etc. We made them to understand that making or putting demand of any item or thing in market was not at all good. We reasoned out for this bad habit. We made them to understand that it may some time put the parents in very embarrassing situation for want of adequate money in their (parents) purse. The idea got drilled in their mind because their reasons were most genuine and appealing. This worked out tremendously and was of good value. They never put their demand in public.

Mostly many of us though know all these small, small things but do not understand its importance and its effect on children. Children pick-up initial manners and code of conducts from home. By citing own examples, they can be asked to do those things. Though we too made our children to walk on road by catching our fingers or hand, but I did not allow continuing this philosophy for a long time. My intention was to make them independent to walk on road at that early stage itself. From a reasonable distance, I used to keep very close vigil on their performance. I tried to create enough self confidence in them and used to check these developments by watching the ways they handled the difficult situations coming on the way.

My basic idea was to make them tough as used to be in olden days in “Gurus’ Ashrams.” By telling them stories of brave people, their acts and benefits of braveness, I made them to believe themselves that they are brave and would never shed their tears on small hurts, bleeding or getting minor wounds. I was very practical to induce these qualities in them. I always made sure not to pamper at that time when they happen to fall, get hurt or bleed. Instead like a military commander I used to give words of command loud enough to make them act immediately. It used to be like “get up and wipe out blood without showing any sign of gloominess, pain and even discomfort and laugh showing cheerful face”. Though it was hurting me too but on the face I never showed them my inner feelings and mottoes behind these hard things to do.

It did not take much time for them to accept these hard and unusual things to do. They had started wiping out those bloods bravely and had never shown even a slight sign of weakness any time. I had seen them doing so even in my absence. My friends used to tell me that my children are really brave, they did not weep after getting minor injuries rather they walked gracefully wiping out blood. I was proud of their being bold and brave. I had made it very clear to them that power should never be used for un-just or wrong cause.

When they grew to age of nine years or of ten years, I used to send them independently by cycle for marketing rations commodities. They, both brothers used to go together with good cash in their pocket. The task used to be like bringing thirty to forty Kgs of wheat, or rice and sugar from ration shop, or small marketing of daily use from market. Bank transactions, post office job etc these all activities made them very smart and brought in them a responsible independency. I used to keep very close watch on their friends circles, the topic they chose to talk and used to read their mind to know directions of their thought process. This was done without letting them know that we keep a watch on them. This was to counter check of our parenting results. On routine, almost every day, while talking or playing or eating, I used to give them basic directions, guidance and always taught great morals.

When they started growing in teenage we were very, very careful. Never let any thing loose or on chance to take place. We made them to understand the difference between bad and good things, attractive but bad, simples but good for them.

On education side it was my wife who used to take their care regularly. Their preparation of examination also used to be by their mother. I wish, I too could have devoted my time with them in educating but I had to do other prioritized task, therefore could not do so though had sincere desire to contribute my significant responsibilities. We tried our best to advise them to concentrate on studies, but perhaps there must have been some reluctance on our parts, we could not drive this point well in their mind. They were not very bright in studies. Brightness in studies did come but at final stage of their bachelor degree and in further studies. The interest awakened was of high degree and they started studying day and night.

The other most important thing we did was that we used to share every thing, with children, whether good or bad. Our limitation, our resources crunch or happiness and sorrows, every incident used to be our daily topics. We knew, who has, what problem, and who needs what and even what time. We made every one of us to understand that care for others, belongingness, concern for each other, true love, one-ness were our basic principles of living. We always encouraged them and taught them to dream  very high and made them to believe that those dreams really come true with strong will power, hard work and with god’s blessings.

My wife used to take their very, very special care for every thing. It may be whether serving them meals of their choice in time, bag managing, books managing, school uniform, their sleeping and getting up time or any thing that concerned them. She always showered her motherhood’s special love and affection. Her efforts were to offer the best of the world. Who does not understand love? Probably even animal knows so. Her true and earnest service had perhaps won their heart and confidence. They obeyed her blindly and always favored her. The two loved her even more that their own life.

One most important thing I was able to drill in their mind was, never to accept any thing without deserving it. Any thing earned after hard struggle gives much satisfaction, happiness and pleasures of pride than of those things got free or without paying for it. I also cautioned them not to use my name and position for their benefits or to get any favors. Probably these heart touching directions must have got engraved in their minds and hearts and created them values of self made man.

In their final year of graduation, there were tremendous improvements. Their interests had suddenly woken-up in studies. They happened to be more caring, responsible and some special eagerness to acquire high positions was clearly seen in their eyes. Telling lie in any form was strictly forbidden and we were sure that every one of us had maintained this quality through out all the life. Our children having always been bounded under military culture and discipline. With the passage of learning time, when and how they reached to grown-up stage, we never realized.

With the blessings of God, there had been miracles and very special force guided them to develop tremendous interests in computer studies. They being arts graduates proved to be in top position among highly decorated engineering degree holders. Strong good traits taught by parents brought wonderful results. God has been very favorable to them. His kindness brought laurels, great elevations in IT world and honor in society. We feel proud, the way we brought them up in this complexed world.

At this stage of our age, we reached to a firm conclusion that parenting up certain limit of age and position is advisable. It should be there after restrictions only on bare necessities, when called for and if given due honor by the children. When it appears that parenting has reached to that stage that it is taken as interference in their (children’s’) life, it should be ceased forth with. This stage usually arrives when children feel that they are enough matured, seen the world enough and have their dearest and close personal advisers. However, parent being their ever well wisher should lay their hands firmly, when they remain well assured that children are going to fall in big ditch. But as said before destiny is very powerful mechanism, if children have to fall in ill trapped luck, their (children) wisdom eyes and ears get closed and they do not listen to any one than what they feel best. Our history of Kurkchhetra Yudha between Pandavas and Karvas is well known evidence of such madness caused mass destruction when wisdom eyes and ears of King Ddhratrashtra were closed despite lots of good advice given by Lord Krishana(God him self in human form) and other elders.

Parenting in broader sense encompasses entire world in its ambit and guide to most pious and principled way of acquiring wonders of the world.